Wednesday, October 6, 2010

A Foolproof Recipe for Catching a Cold

The epic proposal is in. It got submitted to the funding agency by my SPO officer, as anticipated, a whole 2 hours after I had clicked on the equivalent of "allow SPO to submit" button. Which is what always happens. So 2 weeks were apparently not necessary. I suppose the SPO's curse is the awesome efficiency. Maybe helped a little by the fact that I posses the ability to upload files.

In the meantime, in the heroic attempt to defy the humans' need to sleep and comply with this particular human's need to get research funding, I have totally kicked my immune system in the nuts and now I have a bad head and chest cold. So I am happy (proposal in, ability to sleep emerging on the horizon) yet miserable (too stuffy to actually sleep). But mostly just stuffy -- to the abasebedt add abusebedt of by studedts add by kids. But I also have a really cool raspy voice.

Actually, it would have been really surprising if I hadn't gotten sick.
While most people will advise you on how NOT to catch a cold, I will share my 100% foolproof tip on how to catch one. In case you ever actually need to get one. I hear they are handy when you want to avoid going to a hated coworker's wedding or such...

1) Do not sleep for more than a few hours a night for several weeks. Stay up late working on epic proposal. If not in a proposal writing business, playing online games works just as well.

2) Maintain a heavy travel schedule, preferably by airplane, and preferably with long layover times in poorly ventilated airports. Do not consume enough water. Actually, consume lots and lots of coffee, which will help with sleepiness due to 1) and ensure you are suitably dehydrated!

3) Be in constant cuddle/kiss/messy-little-fingers-up-your-nose-and-mouth/little-green-boogers-smeared-all-over-your-face/coughing-in-your-dinner contact with your adorable preschool-attending Petri dish. Infants and toddlers who go to daycare work even better!

4) Teach a large undergraduate class in a steaming hot room with students packed like sardines. Get sneezed on from first row (2 feet away from the black board) at least 3 or 4 times per lecture. Repeat 3 times a week. Supplement, as needed, by students sneezing and gratuitously wiping noses, then touching stuff in your office, during office hours.

5) Do not go out in the sun. Or eat healthy. Or exercise. When the sun is out, go back to your cave, ahem, office, and spend all the time when you are not teaching or in meetings cooped up writing a proposal. Sprinkle with regular research group leadership obligations, with more opportunities to get sneezed on, but now by your own graduate students.

6) If not sick yet, bite me. Then go back to 1) and repeat.

Don't cheat with any healthy habits such as eating vegetables or getting fresh air.

If you're not blissfully stuffy
in a week, maybe two
you are not trying hard enough!
*cough-cough! achoo!*


Female Computer Scientist said...

Congrats on finishing, and hope you feel better soon! You now have every excuse in the world to slack and heal. I highly recommend trashy spy novels and/or chick flicks. :)

prodigal academic said...

Sorry to hear about your cold--my kids are germ magnets, so I certainly feel your pain. Congrats on finishing your big proposal. I am sure that is at least some relief!

GMP said...

FCS, Prodigal, thanks!
I am actually going to cancel a few nonessential meetings this afternoon, go home early, eat some chicken soup and check out what I can stream on Netflix. Squeeze in some quality couch time before the hungry hordes come home looking for food. :)

FrauTech said...

Brilliant! I like petri-dish as a metaphor (or perhaps nickname?) for the offending infector.

Girlpostdoc said...

LOL, I especially like #4.