If you read this blog regularly, you probably know that I am originally from a small country in Europe. I have been in the US of A for 10+ years and I feel it is important that I constantly work on improving my English. However, since I came to the US as an adult, in my mid twenties, there are limits to how much of an accent I am bound to have, regardless of how hard I try to lose it (I heard the human speech apparatus is completely formed around the age of 12, making it hard to achieve perfect pronunciation in new languages thereafter).
Anyway, people who know me well tell me I have a light and ambiguous accent, as in -- people cannot decide where I am from based on my accent and that appears to bother them. The ambiguity certainly comes from me learning British English in school and then picking up American English at the different places I lived in the US, and all this within the rigid constraints of my decidedly mature speech apparatus.
So I have an accent; I would say that about 50% of people will ask me about it within the first 10 min of chatting. Of the other 50%, some notice it but don't care (for which I am grateful) and some simply think I am from another state in the US.
Anyway, I get asked "Where are you from?" a lot. I am sure most foreigners do. Now, I don' t particularly mind the question, especially if it comes up as part of an otherwise pleasant and meaningful conversation. I don't think the world owes it to me not to inconvenience me by the question; I will forever be asked because of my accent, and people are simply curious for the most part and don't mean anything, good or bad. But, as with anything that gets repeated ad nauseam, I get, well, nauseated with the question: sometimes I wish people would simply assume I am from wherever and spare me the inquiry. People say that a thicker, more regional accent might help there... Presently, I am working on my English with a Klingon accent.
Now, while anyone has the right to ask me where I am from and that's an inevitability I have to live with, I do not have be in the mood to discuss my roots at the drop of a hat, in particular when it's the people who happen to overhear me talking to someone else or people with whom I share a routine 10 second interaction. Therefore, the goal of this post is to explore how to best deflect the question "Where are you from?" when I am really not in the mood to reveal my origin to a complete stranger, and do so while minimally embarrassing the person who asked and preventing my day and his/her day from being ruined.
At present, I try to deflect these unwanted conversations by giving hints that I don't want to talk about it, but some people won't take a hint. So I need to get better at throwing hints, need better hints, or perhaps need to throw something more hefty in lieu of hints! :)
Here are a couple of recent examples of unsuccessful deflections.
Anecdote 1 (today, at the pool with family -- I am out of town on vacation this week)
I have been at the pool for 20 seconds and have exchanged 2 sentences with my son (all in English), to the effect of "Honey, no running around the pool," and "Come inside, the water is really great!" A woman sunbathing nearby decides to chime in
Woman: Where are you from?
GMP: We live in GMP Uni City.(Hint 1: I will pretend you are not asking what you are asking)
Woman: (obviously missing hint 1 or deciding her curiosity is more important)
Oh, no, I am asking because of your accent! (She is obviously thinking that having an accent is news to me and she needs to break it).
GMP: (rolling my eyes) I am from Europe. (Hint 2: I know what you are looking for but don't really want to go there)
Woman: (deciding she needs to know and obviously not taking hints) Yes, but where in Europe?
GMP: I am from a small country called GMP Wherefrom.
At this point comes the usual: her face shows that she has no freakin' clue what the country is or where it is, but she sure doesn't want to visit.
And then she asks: So, do you like it in GMP Uni City?
At this point I am irritated and alarmed, because this question often leads to asking what I do and when I plan on going back to my country (because presumably I better not stay here). I say "Yes" and turn to tend to my kid and the conversation is over.
So maybe she's just curious/friendly, maybe she's xenophobic. Likely, some combination of the two, as most people are. I am choosing to believe that most people just want the best for themselves and their families, and if I or the likes of me are a threat to their jobs or well-being, she has the right to hint I am unwelcome. I know that xenophobia is much more rampant in parts of Europe, and always tell myself I am fortunate to be in the USA and that little annoyances are part of the deal.
But, the fact is, at this point I am upset and it takes half an hour for my adrenalin to go down. So you see why I need to get much, much better at deflecting.
Anecdote 2 (more amusing)
My son and I are getting a table for 4 at a chain restaurant, saying that my husband and other son will be joining us shortly. The host asks to put my husband's name down, I spell it, he comments it's strange, I concur, and then host asks where we are from, at which point I say Europe, he asks yes but where in Europe and starts leading us to our table. I say "Why don't you try and guess?" knowing well it would never happen. So he guesses random countries in Europe, I smugly keep saying "No", and about halfway through the map of Europe we are seated and the host leaves us with "Enjoy your meal" and the mystery unsolved. In this case, unlike with Anecdote 1, I don't think the host cared particularly about the answer, so he didn't push it and I appreciated it.
So dear readers, any new ideas on how to deflect "Where are you from?" if it arises in passing, brief, meaningless interactions, without embarrassing the person asking or having to explain myself?
When I am grumpy, I just say "I'd rather not discuss it," but it invariably embarrasses the person asking. When I am in a particularly cheerful mood, sometimes I will play the guessing game from Anecdote 2. When I am very short on time, I will sometimes simply lie and say I am from a European country that's well known and respected, such as Germany (people breathe a sigh of relief after this one and leave me alone). Perhaps I should just say I am "from a kingdom far, far away"? Haven't tested that one yet, I am hoping it gets some giggles. But I am afraid the giggles will be followed by "Seriously, where are you from?" yet again.
27 comments:
I usually tell anyone where I’m from when asked, without worrying about their reaction. Anyway, here are a few possible ways to handle that otherwise…
“where are you from?”
“The future.”
“Oh… really?”
(In monotonous tone): “Affirmative.” (Look away at right angles)
- - - -
“where are you from?”
“whaat?”
“I said, where are you from?”
“where is the…whaaat?”
*sigh*
- - - -
I used to answer 'I'm from the UK'. Blank looks all round. One enterprising chap did ask if the UK was somewhere in England though. Bless.
I get this a lot too - especially since my accent is usually interpreted as an accent from another language group, not my own. Also, if I do tell where I am from, noone has any idea where my country is. I'm also struggling with deflection, especially when I get stuff like this:
"Where are you from?"
"Pikaland."
"Oh, really? I hear Prague is a great city."
"Must be, but I've only ever been there as a tourist."
"????"
"Where are you from?"
"Pikaland."
"So how is life in Russia?"
"No idea, I've never been there."
"????"
And a totally weird one (followed by unprecedented immigration from Eastern Europe in the last few years)
"Where are you from?"
"Pikaland."
"Oh, I thought you were one of those Latvian cleaners. You know, because of the accent."
My turn to go "????"
Although, I have to say that things have improved somewhat in the last month due to the World Cup, as the locals here are football fanatics enough to catch on at least the names of the countries.
Sorry, that should have said "a consequence of the" and not "followed by". Obviously I need to get some coffee before I start commenting on blogs.
I don't have personal experience with this, so I may be completely off base. But if I may say so, I don't think you're going about this in the best way. The problem with your example interactions is that by being ambiguous, you're creating a mystery, which makes people more interersted rather than less. Have you tried saying something like, "I'm from a small country in Eastern Europe. It's called Belarus?" in an offhand way, as if it's no big deal. If you ask this as a question, they have to respond that they've never heard of it, which gives you time to make an excuse to leave the conversation.
"I came from the stars".
I know this is probably my lack of social skills, here, but I honestly see nothing wrong with, "I prefer not to discuss it." If you don't, you don't. Just tell them and be honest while being tactful (sometimes throwing a sorry in there helps to diffuse anything). Dropping hints is rather difficult and may come across, as one person mentioned, like you're teasing them. If they've come out of nowhere to ask the question, that is a bit rude in itself. No point in getting your blood pressure up over someone like that.
Because I lived in many places (countries and US states) after I left my home country I often say "what do you mean? I am from xxx but I have lived in yyy, zzz, then US state kkk, and jjj before moving here" . That can (not always) deviate the conversation toward traveling, and if the other person has ever traveled he/she is often keen on telling me about it. And in some occasions, I can just tune out and not pay attention (in a taxi for instance).
"I'm from fucking Bayonne. Where the fuck are you from, asshole?"
When in the States I just say London because it distracts from the next question, and then having to explain where my city of birth is in relation to London. Being from London I must naturally want to hear all about their Irish or Scottish ancestry. In my opinion there is nothing more tiresome than small talk, but the sooner you can get them to do the talking the better!
So just pick one of the five cities in Europe that everyone has heard of let them talk about how they a) visited it once, b) had as friend who visited it once, or c) how their great grandfather immigrated from somewhere not even remotely close.
The question "how do you like the US" or worse "what do you think of the new president (it was worse when it was Bush in office!)" is tricky. If my US boyfriend is around I usually leave these for him to pick up!
Such people are just trying to make conversation. Kind of like talking about the weather. I'd say I get similar reactions when someone asks where I'm from (I do not have an accent) and I say I'm from Texas. Yes, people make (wrong) assumptions about me, but who cares?
My sister gets this all the time when she's speaking Spanish - she's trilingual, but it's her 3rd language, after English and French. She spent 6 months in Argentina when she finished school, so has a somewhat South American accent. She is blue-eyed and has almost white-blonde hair, so finds it disconcerting when people ask her things like "are you Mexican?" when she's in Spain! Her usual response is a completely withering look. (It seems to me to make as much sense to pick another stereotype and ask "are you Swedish?")
Ping!*
(*) I find it really cute people say "ping" in the blogosphere, even though it doesn't really make a lot of sense from a computer networking perspective. I guess "echo reply!" is less catchy.
"What country would you prefer I be from?"
Just catching up on all the posts I missed while away! Luckily I'm not asked this one too often now, but it's always awkward when I am because there isn't a short answer and people want a short answer. They get irritated/annoyed/wierded out when there isn't a short answer and I feel guilty for messing up their conversation:
Person making conversation: So where are you from?
Lab Rat: Well ... I was *born* in [place in uk] but I mostly grew up and went to primary school in [middle eastern country] and spent my teenage years in [other middle eastern country] and now I live in [other place in UK] and to be honest I don't really feel like I come from anywhere!
Person: ... oh ... ok ... I'm from Milton Keynes.
:p
This post was interesting...I am from an Asian country, yet have a pretty clear American accent as I grew up here. People generally never ask me where I'm from, and if they do, I usually say the state I grew up in, which is usually interesting enough I suppose (I'm not from a state known for having immigrants I guess). So I look different, yet sound like everyone else. Yet it seems from this post that Europeans with accents, who might look Caucasian (I realize this is an assumption, no offense meant, just speculating here), get asked a lot of questions about their origins. And as an anonymous commenter mentioned above, a blond-hair, blue-eyed person with a South American accent was thought to be Mexican, and not Swedish.
To answer your question directly though, I have a friend who says he's from earth.
While living in the US, was asked
"are you from Australia?"
Me: No, I'm from SouthernAfricanCountry
"But...you're white"
Me: ?!?
I think it confuses people if you don't fit into preconceived boxes (often shaped by ignorance), and then they say dumb things
Wow, the post and this thread are too funny. Thanks for the giggles!
I am originally from California, of decidedly mixed parentage, and I've been asked this question many times when living in various less ethnically diverse parts of the US. I don't usually get annoyed until people start trying to guess my origins based on the size of my nose, etc. Seriously.
Yes, some Americans are clueless and rude, but most are just curious or trying to make conversation. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt when they find out you're from elsewhere and then ask if you like it in Podunk, Middle of Nowhere, USA. It doesn't necessarily mean that they hope you'll go back where you came from, I promise.
(Although, in my case, Californication was a big issue in my postdoc state, so maybe they did mean that!)
I understand your frustration and I think for people who don't experience this line of questioning, it may be hard to understand why it's frustrating. Our experiences are a little different, but I think the reason behind them is the same.
I am a Hispanic female, born and raised in rural mid-west state; my parents, grand-parents, great-grandparents, and great-great grandparents were born and raised in rural southern state. I speak one language, English. I learned some German in High School, and I learned some Spanish in my 20s. I have no accent. That's why I get frustrated with this question of "where are you from?"
You can't tell by looking at me, my history. But it's assumed first that I am from "elsewhere."
Although, to be clear, I get this line of questioning from everyone, even those that have the same ethnic background as I do (or think they do). To be honest, I think they are looking for some sort of camaraderie. Sorry to disappoint.
And sorry to disappoint those who think they'll get to "ooh" and "ahh" over my exotic origins, because my answer is "I'm from butt-f**ck town, mid-west state" and the answer to the inevitable follow-up question, "My parents are from big-a** southern state." :D
I find this post very interesting, because I'm the sort of person who loves to ask someone where they're from. I like to travel, and I think its always fun to find out about new places, especially from people who've lived there. I would never start a conversation just to ask that (way too shy), but if I was making small talk anyways, I wouldn't feel it was out of bounds. I'm very pro-immigration, and it never would have occurred to me that this could upset someone. I will try to be more aware of when/who/how I ask this question.
Re: Jesse
I think some people (like you) mean well and some people are just kinda stupid (like that guy who saw my name tag and thought I would have a more "exotic" name). Like with any other thing, you get vibes from people and you can proceed accordingly.
I'm the same as you, I love love love learning about other people, especially if the are from another country. But sometimes the topic comes up and sometimes it doesn't. I try to let it happen naturally, if the conversation strays that way. I think one of the problems is when it's sprung on you...like "weren't we just talking about the weather?" :D
I think you should just be honest and then change the subject. It will nip this in the bud, which is all you really want, I'd think. Currently you are shrouding yourself in mystery, which just makes people more curious.
"Where are you from?"
"I am from Moldova, but now I'm a U.S. citizen/permanent resident. Where are you from?"
Thanks for the comments, everyone.
Jesse and Crumbs, I don't have a problem if 'where I am from' comes up in small talk, when we are chatting about all sorts of things.
I am bothered when random people with whom I share no interaction or a routine 10 second one also ask me about my roots.
I think a good analogy is a visibly pregnant woman. Of course, if you are chatting with her anyway, it's OK that the baby and due date come up, as well as weather and whatnot. But there are people (I know this from personal experience and those of many female friends) who will literally walk up to a pregnant woman on the street and touch the belly and ask about the due date or the baby's gender, because they just cannot help themselves. I think everyone would agree the pregnant woman certainly doesn't have to indulge every random person's desire to know all about the pregnancy or poke the belly. So the "where are you from" is a little like that.
If it's any consolation, when I'm anywhere with a name badge and open my mouth for any time frame, I get asked "where are you from?" Because my name is not a standard American name and apparently I have an accent. *Shrug*
Sadly, they think I'm lying when I say I'm from where my badge says I'm from. They walk away thinking I'm an extremely rude person when I'm being honest and polite. You just can't win.
"I am bothered when random people with whom I share no interaction or a routine 10 second one also ask me about my roots. "
Out of curiosity, why can't you just say that if you feel so strongly? Y'know, as opposed to answering in a way that leads to even more questions.
If this rule of yours- against sharing your country of origin with people you don't know well- embarrasses you so much that you can't honestly state it, then maybe you should re-evaluate that rule.
I usually get "which part of Australia are you from?"
The answer "England" really throws them.
My Aussie friend used to get the reverse, by the way. And my Kiwi friend and I used to enjoy confusing people by pointing out that a) we sound nothing like each other, and b) neither of us is from Australia.
I don't mind the question at all if it comes from someone new I'm meeting through friends, at a party, a new person at work, etc (i.e. someone with whom I might reasonably expect to develop an actual relationship at some point). It can be very annoying when it's a random stranger on the bus or in a shop though, depending on how it's asked.
I'm passive aggressive so for the strangers I'd probably say "do you normally ask complete strangers personal questions?" and keep moving. Or "I'm sorry do I know you?" I get where you're coming from, if it's someone you're getting to know and it comes up it's a lot nicer than some random yahoo on the street. I have a coworker who was born in England but came here in elementary school. He still has a fairly obvious accent and people ask him questions like "what it's like" in England, or how often he visits family there (most of his family is here), or how he adjusts to American culture. I try to think of him anytime I make assumptions about somebody's accent, since he's clearly an American in all aspects, cultural included, and doesn't have strong ties to the country of his birth. I agree it's something asked of people who appear caucasian. I think luckily there is some PC rule that means people don't ask every Asian they meet the same question. I know a lot of Asian-Americans deal with this sort of thing, guesses of where they are from, when they are generations old Americans. Sounds like anyone who "looks" Hispanic deals with this too.
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